OUR STORY

When I fell pregnant I was shocked but I loved the idea of having a little person growing inside of me.I sailed through the pregnancy until 24 weeks when at a routine antenatal check up my blood pressure was very high. It was high enough to have the midwife send me to hospital.When I got there i had lots of checks and my blood pressure had went up again so i was kept in overnight.The next day more checks were done and it was higher again soI was admitted in for  bed rest. I ended up in hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy it was about 8 weeks in total and progressively i got worse i was diagnosed with pre - eclampsia I started having fits and i was put on betablockers for my heart. My kidneys had started to fail and i was fitted with a catheter. It was then they decided to induce me i was given a growth scan and the baby was measuring small for dates.my due date was the 24th of september 2000. And i was induced on the 22nd of september on a friday morning. I didn't give actually give birth until the sunday (the 24th my actual due date ) I  gave birth to a beautiful 5lbs 8oz baby boy at 4:52am he had black hair misty blue eyes and a cute little button nose.

                

when he was born he was placed in my arms and i noticed he wasnt breathing properly his eyes were opening and closing and he was shuddering his lips had a bluish tinge and I called the midwife and they rushed him away i was left in the room with my mum and dad and no1 came to see us for half an hour it seemed like a lifetime  I did not think for one minute that my baby would die.Half an hour passed and a woman came in to the room and told us that my baby boy was very sick and that they would be transferring us to a hospital better equipped to handle his problems. They brought my baby to me on a ventilator to let me see him before we were transferred and his tiny body looked even smaller in the incubator he had needles and tubes sticking out from everywhere and a big tube down his throat. For the 1st time that morning I realised that my baby who I'd just given birth to had a fight on his hands to survive. The machine went off and they rushed my baby away to be resuscitated again. An eternity seemed to go again and 51 minutes later three people came in to the room and closed the door the obstetrician spoke she had tears in her eyes as sat on the end of the bed and gently explained that my baby had died. I felt my whole body just tremble and i just sank back on the pillows to numb and shocked to speak. She brought him to us and we held him and cuddled him he was so tiny and so perfect.The hospital took lots of photos for us as well as us taking our own.They let us dress him and they brought a moses basket and placed him in it and took us up to a family room so we could spend as much time with him as we wanted we had the hospital chaplain up to bless him and we named him Malcolm after his daddy .We kept him with us for 2 days in the room and when they came to take him away it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life all I wanted to do was keep him and run away I didnt want to let him go.We had to give permission for a Post Mortem I didn't want to let them I was of the opinion that my baby came with no scars and I wanted him to go back the way he came but they explained that my son's cause of death was unknown and therefore the procurator fiscal could have the decision taken out of our hands. We had to go through a questionare which is now the law because of the scandal where the hospitals were retaining the baby organs without permission. And the questionare  asks terrible questions such as do they have permission to retain any organs etc baby's brain heart and they describe  that they have to take a slice of the babys heart to do tests for slides  and whether the babys organs should be returned to the body after the PM. It is heartbreaking and such a cold part of this human planet it took me to a dark place I'd never been before  and of course I requested that all my babys organs be returned to his body. I left that hospital feeling like I'd had my heart ripped out and all my emotions put in a blender. We got on with arranging the funeral and we went to see him in the parlour before the funeral. The funeral passed in a blur I can't really remember much of it.Six  weeks after Malcolm died we got the PM results he had died of a condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome and a diaphragmatic hernia (I have links with information about the two conditions on the page) we were advised that it was a once off and wouldnt be likely to happen again.           

              

 This is Malcolm my 1st lil angel   

    

The flowers at his funeral 

  

   His grave

  

 This is his temporary marker

 he's buried beside my gran and my aunt the 2nd right is his temporary marker

My 2nd pregnancy was very brief my due date was to be the 8th of january 2002 but I only made it to 12 weeks I went for my 12 week ultrasound and was told that there was no heartbeat and that my baby was dead I was given two choices as to wether to have an op to remove the baby or miscarry naturally i chose the latter. I was asked to phone the hospital within a week if it hadn't happened naturally. I went home and just sank in to despair I knew I was carrying my dead child inside me and it was soul destroying. I started to bleed a few days later and found my self looking everytime I went to the loo torturing myself wondering if each time I bled if I could see things. I couldnt take it anymore and eventually agreed to go for the op because I was just causing myself more pain.

 

My 3rd pregnancy I discovered I was pregnant on the 23rd of November last year. I was anxious and couldn't relax the whole way through I had 3 miscarriage scares in the beginning and had my 1st scan at 12 weeks I was so relieved to see a live baby on the screen this time and glad that I'd at least gotten by the milestone that I hadn't the last time.

 

I was scheduled for a scan at 20 weeks jsut as a precautionary because of everything that had happened with my previous pregnancies not because they actually expected anything to be wrong more just for my peace of mind.But the way things happened with the m/c scares I ended up havin 2 scans before detailed one.The day of my detailed scan at 20 weeks I was so nervous I had a gut feeling that something was wrong I hadn't been able to relax through the whole pregnancy and the week before my baby had just started kicking.The sonographer scanned me for an hour because she had to go from head to toe checking my baby's heart and lungs and that everything was where it should be because of the conditons my 1st son had had .She eventually went to get the doctor she left us in the room with my baby's frozen image on the screen I looked at the perfect little image on the screen I knew there was to be bad news. The doctor came in and she scanned me for a further 30 minutes the whole time mumbling between themselves. My baby wouldn't stay still long enough to give them a clear picture he was kicking  and sucking his thumb the little scamp just refused to stay still. But eventually she switched of the scanner handed me a few photos and asked us to sit outside. She came out and gave us a slip to got to another hospital in 2 days time and she told us that she thought there was something wrong woth the baby's heart.We left the hospital once again shattered I gave up hope right that second. Two days later we went to Simpsons hospital it was a big unit we had to go to and we went in there were at least four different people who greeted us as we went in to a little room. I wondered why there was four and then  realised they must be med students. I was scanned for  an hour and a half she taped the scan for their research purposes i expect. After the hour and a half she switched of the machine gave us some pictures and handed me some tissues I already knew what was coming. She explained that my baby had the same conditions as my 1st son and that it was very  severe. My baby's heart was also on the wrong side of his body instead of being on the left it was on the right and there was only one ventircle pumping blood .She explained that my baby would almost certainly die either during the pregnancy or very soon after. he asked us if we would like to continue the pregnancy or to terminate. I was 20 weeks pregnant and my baby had just started kicking and the choice I was faced with was difficult but I knew that there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to keep my baby and give him the best chance of survival I could.

           

    This is the scan where I was told he would die just look at him he's perfect !

I couldn't have lived with myself if I  terminated he was fighting so hard to stay alive despite all his who was i to end his life ?  I continued with the pregnancy and it was heartbreaking knowing that my child was going to die it was an incredibly hard thing to face. My doctor was extremely supportive and arranged for a peadiatric cardiologist to meet with us and discuss if there was an op that could be done to try and save my baby. We met with him and he once again scanned me it also lasted for an hour and a half by this time my baby was much bigger and stronger.He now had a little personality in the womb, he sucked his thumb turned somersaults and would jump and kick constantly whenever I was being scanned.The peadiatric cardiologist concluded when he'd scanned me that no there was no op that could be done. the hospital once again with the last glimmer of hope we'd held shattered. I had to attend hospital 3 times a week for the rest of the pregnancy as once again I was having problmes with my blood pressure and they wanted to monitor the pregnancy more carefully incase my baby died inside of me. I bonded with my baby in a way nobody could ever imagine because I knew he was going to die . I began to look forward to the rest of my pregnancy all the things I'd moaned about before like gettin big puffy ankles and all the rest I enjoyed the pregnancy so much treasured every kick and every hiccup. I got a bit fed up with goin to hospital every 3 days and it got me down because I would be sitting on a ward full of happy women preparing for a live baby while I was preparing for my baby to die. I would hear my baby's heartbeat everday on the monitor they used to put on me and he would knock it off because he would kick so much it was so hard to beleive that my baby was going to die and that his heart that sounded so string and healthy was indeed the very opposite.T he doctor described that I was basically like his life support while he was inside I was doing all the work for him his blood supply and his breathing but as soon as he was born he would not be able to do it for himself. I grew more scared as I neared the end of my pregnancy because I was worried he would struggle for a while and I was worried I would not be able to watch him die.The docotors ahd made a decision not to revive him but just to let him go because it would only make him suffer as he would not survive for long anyway. It was incredibly hard to belive that they were just going to stand by and let my son die.There was talk of possibly putting a morphine drip on tha back of his hand so he would not suffer. I was horrified because it just made the situation so real and nrought home that my baby was really going to die. The hospital referred me for reflexology to bring my blood pressure down a bit and calm my nerves. I had it every week for the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy. My due date (the 28th of July) came and the hosp were talking of inducing me as I had a temperature and I was overdue. But I refused I was glad my baby was hanging on til we were both ready. Three days overdue on the 30th of july he decide that he was ready to meet his mummy and daddy. I went in to labour on the friday afternoon and my waters broke while I was watching tv at 7 pm I stayed at home until midnight and the pain got to bad to bear. I got into hospital at quarter to one and they gave me some diamorphine to help me have a sleep as I was only one centimetre dilated. My husband got on to the bed beside me and he fell asleep. I fought the sleep and spent the night watching the big clock on the wall ticking the room was hot and I was terrified that the moment I'd dreaded wasn't far off. I'd enjoyed the pregnancy so much but I'd dreaded as each day had gone by because it was a step nearer to losing my baby forever. Every kick was special but it was like a knife to my heart. My labour was long and I didn't give birth until 1:31 am also on a sunday (like his brother) he was born on the 1st of August 2004 (5 days exactly overdue) weighing in at an ample 8lbs. He lived for 3 minutes and he died in my arms at 1:41 am exactly he went so peacefully and I was so glad that he'd went quickly instead of hanging on. He just sort of slumped in to me with his arm across his chest so it looked as if he was cuddling me. And in that instant I knew I'd made the right desicion to keep him he got to meet his mummy and have a little cuddle and I got the chance to be his mummy even if it was only for a breif time. We went to the family room once again and we took lots of photos. The hospital arranged for a photographer to come and take some photos for us as well and he took some amazng black and white photos for us they turned out perfect. We had a double bed and the midwives brought a cot for our son who we named Joshua Lewis my hubby stayed with me in the hospital all our family visited to say goodbye to our precious son. The hosp gave us a baby bath and we bathed him and cleaned him.He was beautiful he was 21 inches long and he had lots of dark curly hair with the same misty blue eyes and trademark button nose as his brother.He was so perfect. We wrapped him in a cream shawl and changed him in to a little cream suit for his professional photos. Before that he'd had a blue baby gro and a little lemon hat we brought his shawl and clothes home with us they still have his smell on them.We had him blessed also by the hospital chaplain. The following day we had to leave the hosp we left at 7 pm tht night and we had to leave him in the family room in the cot it was dark and we had to walk away and it's one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do every step away from that room felt like I was burning inside and how I had the strength to do it I'll never know. At least with Malcolm they'd come and taken him we hadn't had to go away and leave him in a dark room. I made a desicion not to leave through the maternity doors , my heart ached so much on that drive home it felt like the longest journey I'd ever been on I'd only left him 15 minutes ago and yet I missed him terribly.

    

 

       

       

  

     

            

 This is Joshua my 3rd angel

     

  

This is the flowers at Joshua's funeral

                

   This is the  little memorial garden we  have started to build

It was a week and a half before they released his body to come home and almost two weeks after his death that we got to bury him. We had him home for 4 days before the funeral and I am glad we did. We had that little bit of extra time.We put a photo of his brother in beside him a letter from us a little snowglobe and 3 little teddies.One of which his daddy had won him at a fair. The funeral was a lovely service what I can remember of it as I was just so numb. And that is our story I know you have walked through my grief in reading this and I thank you for taking the time to read about my precious babies. We've since found out that its a rare genetic condition and I can't have any more kids because they have given us a 1 in 2 chance of it happening again and the risk is just to high. If the doctors had got it right the 1st time and hadn't told us that it was a once off we wouldn't have had to go through the added heartbreak. We are currently looking into IVF.